Identify theft has happened to me. Not in the steal all my money and screw up my credit kindof way. No, this way is different. Maybe worse. I am not one for down in the dumps post, but whatever, that is me today.
I am happy with my life. I am genuinely happy being a wife and a mommy. It is what I always wanted to be. I feel incredibly blessed that I can be home with Cooper. I sound very ungrateful even writing this, but sometimes I just feel like the old me is missing. What is my identity now other than mom? I feel as if someone else has taken residence in my body. I loose my temper way easier. I am not as sweet as I used to be. I try to, but I am just on edge. I used to be incredibly patient…yeah, so not that anymore. I don’t know if there is much of anything from the “real” me left. I worry about letting my husband down because I am not the girl he married.
I love seeing Cooper learn new things and grow up every day, but those days just meld into one another. I go nonstop and get nothing done. How does that happen? I can go days without feeling like I got anything accomplished. When the hubby travels, it is even worse. I talk to my family and friends on the phone, but face to face adult conversation is rare.
I have thought a little about getting a job. I am a nurse, so it would be pretty easy. I would just do it on the weekend. Maybe even one a month. I mentioned it to the hubby and he didn’t seem too excited. I would be giving up time with him then, too. I just don’t know if it is worth it. We don’t see each other as much as I would like as it is, and finding quality time once you have kids is no easy task.
I feel jealous of the hubs job. He went through training living with 7 other people for 3 months. His company has alot of young people that he gets along great with. Although they are not in the area and don’t work together on a daily basis, he goes to conferences and talks to them alot. He spent the week in Chicago for a work conference last week. Hearing about everything they did and all the people that he likes, it makes me feel like I am missing out. I suddenly want to go through training and work for him. Haha. Granted, his job is stressful, and I am the one that sees that end of things. I guess the grass is always greener.
I just don’t want to loose the good things about me. I know I have good and bad characteristics, but I feel like in all of this new found stress, the good ones are MIA. How do I get back to where I was while still fitting in my “new” life? How am I defined other than, Molly, Cooper’s mom? I am living a life I always wanted, but feel I have lost myself in the process. Now what?
I feel that exact same way sometimes.
I can completely empathize with you. I wrote this blog : http://www.ashley-amazing.com/2009/04/mind-debating.html a couple of months ago. I guess it's that longing to still be you while being a wife and mother. My guess is the hubbs may not get it, because he gets that key adult interaction outside the home with people. I know you are tentative on a getting a baby sitter – but have you looked at sittercity.com for you area? Although my heart pangs to be with Babe while I'm away from him, I know that one-two hours that I get to myself is much needed.
It's the never ending balance. A part of the old you DOES get lost or transformed, BUT you get a nice pay out of being a mom. Not everyone does. But I totally understand. I haven't found my stride with the two girls and it puts major strain on my marriage. Just know, you are NOT alone. Every new mom( and some old moms) go through this. It's part of that transition.
Molly! This is exactly what I have been talking to my friends about lately, you definetly use the "old" you once kids come into the picture so you just have to create a new one. I think that if you did all the work to become a nurse and that is what you are passionate about than you should go back to it! Even if it is one day a month. It would give you the opportunity to be around adults and that makes a HUGE difference. I find that if I am stuck at home too much with just Jake I lose my temper more easily and so I realize then that I need to get out and be around other adults – playgroups are the best for this! Seriously when you get back from Hawaii come over and the kids can play and we can drink coffee and I will spike yours with bailey's 🙂 Alchohol is GODS gift to the mom! If you ever need to talk I am here, I have had all the same feelings and much more!
No babies here yet, so I'm not sure how helpful this is, but maybe it would be good to start working again part-time. If you find a day-care you like, it doesn't cost (usually) a ton for just 2 days a week. That way you can work 2 days during the week (and you know Cooper is being taken care of) and you still get your weekends home with the hubs – maybe he'll be less resistant to that idea?
Molly, I know how you feel. I am in the same place + a healthy dose of guilt for feeling this way in the first place. Know that you are not alone and also know that you are doing an excellent job with Cooper! He is a wonderful, sweet little guy and Tyler and I always enjoy spending time with him and you. And by the way, I think you are a pretty cool chick now so you must have been amazing before you had Cooper! Ha! Anyway, hang in there… and let's get together more often. I need adult time too! I was thinking we could do a hike/walk soon and or time in downtime Danville…
Don't worry. I feel the same exact way sometimes. I think it is just a part of motherhood. You have to struggle to keep yourself all the while being the best mommy. It's tough!
You'll figure it all out!
I know that feeling…its why I originally started bloggng. Didn't realize that letting my words out meant opening myself up for more trouble. I think it is a cycle. Sometimes it is all going great, and sometimes we get lost. But don't worry…won't be much longer and you will be back to loving it. See if you can start scheduling a girls night out once a month, instead of a working day…everyone told me that was what I needed and I just never got around to implementing one. Try it and let me know if it works! Love ya! Bec
Hey, girl – I SO feel ya on this one, and I still struggle with it. I used to feel really bad even being at all sad that some of my pre-baby identity was lost, but I think it's a totally normal part of this motherhood gig. One of my friends told me that she thinks it's like a grieving process – you actually grieve the old life you used to have. I usually don't do this until I'm up to my ears in frustration, but occasionally I'll just go out – alone. I'll get a drink at Starbucks, go shopping, go window shopping – whatever. Just something that I used to love that I can't just get up and do anymore. I still miss my old life on a pretty regular basis – it's not to say I'm not happy with what I've got. Like you, this is the life I always wanted and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard sometimes when we're constantly in mommy mode. And for what it's worth, having a part-time job has saved my sanity in a very big way. Hang in there. 🙂
I hear ya! It took me four years to realize that I AM more then J-bug's mommy. Take some me time. And don't feel guilty about it!
Hubby and I just had this converstion last night!! It looks and sounds like you are doing a WONDERFUL job raising Cooper, but please remember to take care of yourself. You cannot help your child unless you help yourself!! Believe I have had to put the Mommy Guilt aside and take some time for me!!
You are not alone! I keep telling my hubby, "I used to be fun." I feel like I used to be so spontaneous and exciting, but that has slowly made it's way out the back door. I started making lists of stuff I do every day so I can see that I actually accomplish a lot, even if it is things like laundry and taking Aiden to the park.