My husband keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. I gave him my list, which is a new water bottle, a 2015 planner and slippers. I don’t even know who I am anymore. In reality, I have a whole list of things I really do want, I just know I’d get the side eye if I actually asked for them. So, I’ll just tell you, errr, Santa.
Sleep in. I slept in once. I think it was about 2 years ago on Mother’s Day. It was magical. Now, my kids somehow have a way of finding me every morning, even if I do sleep in the guest bedroom. I usually have quite the night of interrupted sleep, too. Just last night, there was a 6 year old snoring so loudly in my face that I have to move him. By the time I got back to sleep, the 3 year old had to come tell me he’s “not so tired” at 5am. Somehow the hubs waking up chipper, not knowing any of the previous night’s experiences, makes me even more tired.
Grocery shop alone. Yes, I spend way more than my grocery budget. Know why? Bribery. It’s either open 7 different snacks while shopping, or abandon my cart to take screaming babies to the car. So, I would love to go to the store, push my cart alone, while sipping Starbucks and not take any bathroom breaks. Just the sound of it makes my heart flutter.
Drink 1 hot cup of coffee. I guess I do always drink hot coffee, because I reheat it an average of 4 times per cup. Taking breaks to turn on Paw Patrol, wipe poop off someones butt and clean an entire half gallon of orange juice off the floor has a way of making coffee cold.
Shower alone. I mean. I can’t even imagine this, really. I’m sure I’ve done it before, but I can’t remember it. And before you go telling me to wake up before the kids to shower, keep item 1 in mind.
Eat an entire meal while seated. I don’t even typically do this in a restaurant. Granted, our choice of restaurants these days are the kind that make you get up to get your own silverware and napkins, because fine dining with children? Yeah, right. I would just like to be able to sit, at home, for the duration of my meal. No, I won’t get you ketchup, or a new piece of chicken because yours grazed your ranch dip. Oh, and that spill can just soak into the hardwood until I’m done.
A clean house. I’m pretty sure this one will be impossible, at least for any length of time. Sure, a cleaning lady is the obvious solution to this problem, but cleaning ladies just clean grime. They’re all over the dust, soap scum rings in the bathtub and pee behind the toilet. I’m pretty sure they don’t pick up socks that have been abandoned on the floor every day, systematically file the forests of papers that come home from school, or sort the legos that are scattered all over my kids bedrooms. They also don’t put pillows and cushions back on my couch every hour on the hour, which is the time it takes for them to hit the floor.
Self folding dryer. I’m really not sure why this hasn’t been invented yet, but I need it asap. Until then, I will settle for someone folding one week’s worth of laundry. That will be approximately 14 loads and include at least 8 socks that have lost their match.
A nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps, they say. Yeah, that only goes for your first baby. After that, you’re screwed. Since I’m pretty sure #1 won’t happen, I’ll settle for a nap. A couple hours, blackout curtains, sound machine. Ahhh.
Another baby. Because babies are like crack. I’m addicted. I’m sleepless, hungry, almost insane and living in filth, but I’ll take another hit, please.